Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
