you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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