dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
