she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
