She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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