your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
