ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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