I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
