I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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