I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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