So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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