Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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