For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
