I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
