someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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