He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
