I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
