I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
