Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
