What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
