Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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