I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
