1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
