i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
