did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
