Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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