the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
