I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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