Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
