I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
