Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
