I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
