remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
