Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
