he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
