she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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