dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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