My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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