The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Terrible idea I love it
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
