So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
