Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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