There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
