Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
