My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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