were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
