When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
