my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
