awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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