I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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