He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
