Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
