I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Barsexuality is the new black.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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